Describe yourself in two words... Go!

I am empathatic and loving. As a general rule I try to love everyone, I don't have to like them, but I manage to love them. I know how that sounds... But don't judge me, it's just one of my defining qualities, loving people to a fault is just a part of who I am. 

But it's a double edged sword. 

Boys. 

When I go on dates with guys (I'm not very pretty so it doesn't really happen that often) I love them, and that's that. The only boy I've ever kissed, he's a whole different story. He was the first guy who I liked and who liked me back. I could flirt with him and mess around and be witty and scarcastic and just... Me. So it's no suprise that when I moved away we stayed in touch. And even though we were far apart, somehow when I talked to him, it seemed we were so close, and somehow I loved him more and more. Now he's in Idaho, and he's only a stones throw away. I knew neither of us wanted a relationship but now I can go see him on weekends and I was thinking maybe this would change... "Us." 

So loving this guy, and being open honest me, I asked him if this would change our "relationship."

After spending 10 minutes convincing him it was me and not one of my friends, he just told me that last time we were in person I didn't want that. Last time we were in person was the last day before I was getting on a plane to Utah. So... I thought it a fair question. 

He was a total jerk. 

And now I just want to tell him, "Yeah, but that was before I loved you." And I've typed that three or four times now. And deleted it. 

So back to loving too much. I can't tell if I love this guy, or if I'm IN love with this guy. 

And the reason I'm worrying about it is because I think this is a struggle I'm going to face for the next howeverlong until I get married and even then... 

What the freak am I going to do. 

Clearly he's moved on but I love him (or am I IN love?!) so I don't have the ability to completely lose all feelings for him completely like he has me.

(I know this because he hasn't texted me since) 

Why is my life such a joke?!

P.S. I love you